Blame Kare

Oh, hello, again!

It's been a while. Two or so months, now? I had a lazy summer, but I still managed to complete and publish a small anthology of stories with some friends, and that was a very gratifying process, we're going to continue and do a much bigger book in the spring. You can read about it here on my writing (and general interest) blog (where I will probably be writing more often, if you're especially hungry to read my stuff.)



Unable to help myself, I tipped my toes back into raiding as well, with some friends, or tried to, but it didn't work out very well. My dear, long-suffering friend Thistleberry and I were aching to do some heroic raiding and when our old group of friends splintered (it never really jelled in the first place), we decided to shop around. Finding space for a Protection Paladin and a Discipline Priest isn't easy, let me tell you.

But we lucked out and Nephilim of Hyjal was rebuilding their team and we happened to fit into their gap. Two weeks of rather intense catching-up to heroic-raiding later, we find ourselves ready to enter Orgrimmar with a new team.

I don't know how motivated I was to start writing again, until I found out last night that one of the new healers who joined about the same time we did was none other than Kare of Ysera's Daughter, and after a few whispers about blogging and bloggers (yes, we might have talked about you) mid-pull, I found the itch for the old Warcraft blogging community returning.

Raiding with Ophelie back at the start of the expansion was a lot of fun, and I liked that feeling of reading her posts and seeing the raid through her eyes, getting her impressions and chatting in vent (which we didn't get to do as much as I'd have liked!) And while I was raiding with Aliena, it was again, really fun to be part of her videos and contributing to the community in some way. It's a fun feedback loop, to raid with other members of the Warcraft creative community at large that motivates one to enter the fray again.

Thus, the title, blame Kare for motivating me to write again.

Tonight, we'll be going into the massive, the daunting, Siege of Orgrimmar for the first time, and while I'm quite excited to wreck Garrosh's house, I'm sorely disappointed that I won't get to do it under a blue banner, because Nephilim is a Horde guild. Alas, my beloved Lion of Stormwind won't be cresting my armor as we cleave through rows of Orcs but I suppose I have my warlock and flex raiding over on Proudmoore Alliance, and that will give me a chance to plunge my sword into that narcissistic bastard's throat.

Symbolically, of course.

Dive and Rise

Sometimes I just feel like the game is a sink for me.

Sometimes it turns into a black void like a gravity well and I can't escape the pull of anxiety, anger and frustration that sucks me in and leaves me feeling trapped and helpless. Last night was one of those nights. My pessimistic streak is pretty long and well documented, but I've been trying to stay on the up-side of optimism lately, but it seems like a fragile thing.

The slightest imbalance can throw it off, the tiniest imperfection in execution of a plan becomes a glaring sore that I can't help noticing and the whole thing collapses after that. The performance of raids affects me more than it should. I take my time investment far too seriously, and I think when I perceive a lack of respect for that time from even one or two members, it really galls on me. However, I know not everyone playing this game has a boatload of issues like me, and for most of my guildies, the game is, as they say, "fun." Still, my enjoyment comes from perfect execution and tight, controlled play. I know it's ridiculous, but I'm the guy who loved beating himself over failing add-tank duties on Nefarian.

Last night was one of those nights where things just didn't gel and my healing was part of the reason, but our strategy kept changing as we tried to find something that worked and it just... wasn't. Two hours passed and we gave up on it and moved on... and then wiped to a farm boss which just broke my resolve.

There are a lot of reasons why I'm frustrated. Lack of expectations of performance, a slight tilt away from the kind of hard-mode progression we used to do, a general disagreement about the level of dedication required to get things done... and a lot of it is communication that just doesn't happen. People don't talk or voice their concerns in a civil way, in a neutral environment and the frustration erupts at the worst possible time. None of this is helpful and there were other factors to influence this lovely event.

Part of it was my own failure to count and I hold myself to a far, far higher standard than anyone else, so my anger for the wipe was primarily focused on myself and yet, I still managed to get into a snarling and unfiltered conversation in OChat. After I logged out, I couldn't even sleep, anger and anxiety over a dozen other Real Life things rose up, mixed with the emotions of failure and frustration, and by the morning, I was a barely coherent mess on the verge of tears all day long after I dropped off my son.

Thankfully a couple of friends intervened, both virtually and in person, the meetings I was dreading in the afternoon actually pulled me out of my funk and I feel okay now, but goddamn. Sometimes I let this game get to me too much. I know it's just a game. But it's also a 6 hour a week plus hours spent farming mats and doing other things in game commitment - and I like get a return on my investments.

My RoI in Warcraft is raid progression and a higher Personal PvP rating than the week before.

I'm putting my time into Warcraft to hang out with friends, to gain silly achievements, to level alts and professions, to just enjoy the world, yes... but also to gain some kind of personal, tangible satisfaction in the form of continuous progression, step by step. I guess my frustration level was just getting higher than I realized and it all just erupted in a mess last night.

If the game is a sink of frustration sometimes, I have lifelines out of the mire. Friends who e-mail me to check in, or take me out to lunch to talk about movies and video games, I have my son who'll laugh and run off to roll in the rain-wet grass on the way to daycare, my wife telling me we're going to sit on the couch tonight, eat ice-cream and watch hours of archived shows...

I'm lucky to have so many people to help me out of these pits. It might be all tar and feathers in Azeroth but it's lovely in New York (not really, the weather is just rain rain rain lately, but it's okay, I love the rain.)

I'm Shy!

Online at least.

I really don't think I am in person, I'm fairly aggressive when it comes to socializing, and I don't really have any fear of speaking in public, meeting a new group of people, or whatever, but for some reason, when I'm taken out of my comfort circle in Warcraft, I do find myself acting in a very reserved and shy manner.

Specifically, I have an alt in a Horde guild on another server, and it's a large guild with a lot of people on and a lot of activities and I'm sure everyone is very friendly, but I seldom if ever pipe up to say anything or contribute much to the guild as a whole, nor do I get involved with it. As silly as it sounds for a man of my age to say, I feel shy and don't want to engage and make myself seem a fool! I'd rather sit in /trade looking to do stuff rather than ask in Guild.

Which is just insanely silly.


I remember back when I first really went looking for a new guild and joined a hardcore 25 man raiding group, I was the quiet guy who never said anything in Vent and used "Please", "Thank you" and smiley faces in nearly everything I ever said in Raid or Guild chat. When I got promoted to solo-tanking the really scary stuff in Ulduar, I was still really terrified to say anything, because there were 24 other people who were counting on me to keep pulls together.

It wasn't until months later when I got pulled into the selective 10-man group that was clearing a lot more content regularly that I began to feel like a part of the group and began to loosen up and some of those friendships are what led to my current guild, where I do feel very confident, and I work hard to assimilate new people in, though we are a much smaller guild by comparison.


All of this is well and good, but then I realized that it extends to a much bigger level when I think about my blog.

There is a large and vibrant and active blogging community - and I have never really participated in it. I don't really know how to, and I'm kind of scared to try to even start a dialogue. I don't know why I can be so much more confident and overcome any social anxiety in the real world where it can be a lot more overwhelming and when it comes to engaging in online communities, I get shy.

Anyway. There's not really a point to this other than that I logged into my Horde character, sat around for a few minutes staring glumly at /trade where nothing was going on, then I logged off and went to read a book.

So, um, sorry to be so inconclusive. As a bonus, here's a set I'm considering for my tanking transmog set!