My Attitude Sucks

My attitude in raids lately has been just total crap. My attitude in game is also a reflection of my attitude out of game, I've been going through a bit of a bad patch but that's really no excuse at all for my behavior.

Maybe it's because of my expectations of play - and sometimes I feel like my willingness to bring up points about performance is almost a detriment. I hold my play to a fairly high standard. If I let myself get killed, that's a problem, I look at my logs, I try to see what's killing me and I prevent it in the future. If I'm causing a wipe, I try very hard not to repeat my mistakes.

In the same way, if there is a difficult portion to a fight, I'll do my best to take it. I want to do the heavy lifting, I want to take the responsibility of failure if someone has to do a high-stress job, but as a tank, that's not always possible. Sometimes it's the healing and sometimes it's the DPS and sometimes it's one role that one person has to fulfill that I can't do as a tank and that's when my issue kicks in.

I begin to hold that person's performance to the same standard that I hold for myself, and that's just not fair. That person might learn some things faster or slower than mine, maybe I would take a week to figure it out and they'll get it in an hour, or maybe it's the other way around, but the point is - they have a role, and I have a role, and we're both there to perform it to the beset of our ability.

But when that doesn't work, I begin to get frustrated.

Ultraxion is a good example of this. It's a fight that sits in the hands of the DPS. If the healers can 2-heal it and get the raid to the 5 minute mark, that requires from the raid, counting the 2 tanks as 1 DPS, an average DPS of 27k.

Or 24.5k to finish the fight in 5.5 minutes which is about how long the raid can stay alive with 2 healers after the 5 minute mark.

That's a lot, even for a Patchwerk fight, which this essentially is, outside of the Hour of Twilight and Fading Light mechanic. That's expecting people to be just about perfect with their rotations, using every cool-down in the most efficiently lined up way possible, and limiting their time outside the Realm of Twilight to 2 seconds at worst. Factors having a say about this include such thing as Latency where the time you pressed your button and got to the other realm might be long enough to kill you, bad string of procs where you don't get any, a bad string of RNG rolls on your crit chance and any other number of things.

We were able to kill it last week, with numbers both above and below that average. Some bursty classes and better-geared people pulled ahead, and hit the 25k, 26k mark and others were in the 20k, 21k range, but the overall damage balanced to eke out a kill, and yet last night, we pulled a couple of times and couldn't get him to drop, wiping in the 3% range sometime after the 5 minute range.

And I was kind of loosing it with the wipes. Which is absolutely ridiculous given it's the second week and the gatekeeper boss to the hardest content in the raid.

I think there's a difference between assigning blame, and dissecting the fight. I'm always ready and willing and able to take responsibility, and do my best to improve. I might get testy, true, especially when I'm frustrated with myself, but I'll take feedback, even negative feedback, over silence any day of the week. And while we're not a hard-core guild by any measure, we do have a commitment to progression and that means we're going to dissect and fix our problems.

But I'm not dissection fights anymore.

I'm afraid I'm drifting into crazy-old-man grumbling about them DPS not pulling their weight territory instead of doing a proper analysis of the encounter and coming up with solutions.

The conflicts are getting all jumbled in my head and affecting my attitude in raids tremendously. I'm just super glad I'm not the one making calls and calling shots right now.

If I was my raid leader, I would've fired me by now.